[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
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Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
😂🤣😂🤣
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Going into Monday like
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.