Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

sometimes i miss this memes

I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky