*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
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Can Happiness buy money?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
john wicks are toilet candles
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.