Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003