Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”