*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
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I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I only look at Wordle for the articles
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.