*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
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*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
#Caturday
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Bear knowledge
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”