*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
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Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
scared to check what name she chose
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”