*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
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Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Made something I’m not proud of
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
6. me as a lawyer
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose