Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

Pigeon open mic night.

hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”

me: *knocks on door* are you naked?

boss: just come in!

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.