*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
You Might Also Like
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
There’s no “u” in narcissist