I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
You Might Also Like
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze