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@brittwastaken

I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.

-The inventor of massage

@Cpin42

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

@Justsydnyc

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

@TheToddWilliams

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

@Unathi_

That annoying moment when the video starts with “Don’t try this at home” so you have to go next door smh

@tinatbh

people: u should smile

me: not unless u deposit 2 million dollars in my bank account thanks

@WittySassBasket

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

@mrtruthandsoul

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

@truegritrumble

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

@IndecisiveJones

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*