MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
You Might Also Like
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Labreador
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔