Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
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[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*