Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
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the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
❤️🦆
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Not all heroes wear capes…
