Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.