Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
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Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
*limbos away from your hug*
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.