Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
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The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
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I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
☠️
Hey Fugeddaboutit
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours