Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.