[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
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A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.