Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
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guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”