Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
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Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag