Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
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I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes