@Social_Mime

Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

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@Northside_Mike

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

@emptyheadtwo

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

@TjSmooth0

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

@thepunningman

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

@LoriLuvsShoes

When I punish my 16 I don’t take away her phone I take away her charger and then I watch the fear in her eyes as her battery dies. It’s fun

@mommajessiec

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

@whinecheezits

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

@UncleDuke1969

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

@FreshTerritory

You guys are even more beautiful now that I’m wearing my “wine glasses”.