Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

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Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.


He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.


I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.


I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.


When I punish my 16 I don’t take away her phone I take away her charger and then I watch the fear in her eyes as her battery dies. It’s fun


Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*


The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.


Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.


You guys are even more beautiful now that I’m wearing my “wine glasses”.