Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
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One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
this will hang in the louvre one day
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.