Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!

I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.

Discuss.

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.