Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
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I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
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Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
i’m sure it’s fine
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I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
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I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
At least try to make it slightly believable
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