Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.