[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
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The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.