Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!

Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”