Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

Can’t stop laughing.. 😂

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him