[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
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I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.