walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey
You Might Also Like
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
They did not think through this water fountain
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?