walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey
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No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
lol
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked