Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
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Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
i really liked this one
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire