[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
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Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
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