Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

Me when someone tries to get to know me

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

Punctuation Matters. Period.

Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”