Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
