Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
This is my favorite one of these!
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Twitter remains undefeated
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
