Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

I’ve had relationships like this

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

Yes my dude

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

He a real one for that

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause