[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
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‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.