[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
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Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.