[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
You Might Also Like
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.