Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.