Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

Trains are just sideway elevators.

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.