Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

love it when they get my name right

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

spicy snake

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.