Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.