Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

i smell a pulitzer

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.