Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?

It’s called Dye Another Day

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.

But it’s harder to deter gents.

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

those birds must be on payroll