Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

Get in loser we’re going crying

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?

me: hey give that back 🙁

[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]

Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.