Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should