Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

what could possibly go wrong?

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.