Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

how was your vacation

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

In space, no one can hear…

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.