*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
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Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.