*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
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No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
Salad is the decaf of food.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Oh, I bet you would be
boat question
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.