Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

finally

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.