Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

excuse me

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

This is enough internet for the day.

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal