Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

this is the best day of my life

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.