Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

Hoping to spice up my evening

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

“Bigotry”

-an Italian guy describing an oak

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.