Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

this country is so goddamn polarized

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married