Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

gender is a sprctrum

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

no refunds