Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

as a kid: i have to save up for this toy

as an adult: i have to save up for this rent

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.