Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

Ghost costume 😂

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

This is the one

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.