Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

make up your mind

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly