Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”

The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.

(Don’t need me)

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

this is me

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald