*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
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The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
respect
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Cinema or bowling
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company